What if my significant other and I are in a rough patch? Would a little bit of sexual freedom help relieve the tension between us?
Few current topics generate as many strong, differing opinions as this one! Despite off-the-cuff comments expressing either disgust or apathy, have you ever wondered whether it really matters if both partners in a committed couple are on the same page about being open?
Is it really "cheating" if both partners provide honesty and consent to extra sexual affairs? After all, it's not like we are relationally or emotionally committing ourselves to anybody else!
Because this is such a hot topic, you don't have to go far on social media to hear someone's thoughts or even advice on this issue.
You may hear that the rules of your relationship are between you and whoever you are with, so what does it really matter? ... Plus, I've known someone who is in an open relationship, and they say it's been beneficial for their committed partner. Much of the advice supporting open relationships suggests that as long as you are strong communicators, emotionally faithful to your partner, and follow mutually agreed-upon rules, it'll be okay! Right?
Yet, most online commentary on the topic seems to be overwhelmingly negative; this is either from those who have been in a failed open relationship, or those who reject the idea entirely.
So what’s the big deal with open relationships?
Realistically, this is a topic that looks good on paper, but falls apart in real life. The long-term success rate is uncertain.
Although the research is dated and its conclusions have been disputed, a 2010 poll revealed a 92% failure in longevity for those who began open relationships. Though there are no current polls on the success or failure rate of open relationships, what is clear is the generally negative feedback from many who were in or affected by such relationships. Why?
It's ironic in nature. Open relationships most often do not last due to what many say are the ground rules for "successful" open relationships.
Just one example: Emotional attachment to your committed partner is a must for success, yet many open relationships end because of jealousy, fear, or insecurity. Sharing the most intimate part of your relationship with someone else will no doubt bring with it a torrent of emotional instability.
But what if there is a bigger reason why the reality of open relationships just do not seem to work?
It might sound surprising, or predictable to others, but God does have something to say about fulfilled intimacy in relationships.
Let's get this straight: Sexual intimacy was His design! When God created man and gave them purpose, He said, '...blessed them. And God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply...".' Sexual intimacy with your wife or husband has a purpose!
Sexual intimacy in one marriage towards one person is sexual intimacy fulfilled! The Bible instructs those who are married to "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a
graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love." — Proverbs 5:18-19 (ESV)
"Rejoice in the wife of your youth...be intoxicated always in her love." Proverbs 5:18–19 (ESV) - God designed the love relationship between husband and wife to be romantic, physical, and emotional!
Besides the risk of emotional instability, open relationships end up breaking the wonderful and fulfilling design of the Creator. The design is for intimacy to be fulfilled within the marriage relationship. Open relationships, by design, seek to find the "intoxicating" sexual love in someone else outside of the marriage.
God designed marriage to be the place where fulfilling sex is protected between husband and wife. Marriage is the place where one gets to know another on the deepest level of intimacy, and where that intimacy is held securely.
The Bible instructs those who are married not to “deprive” one another of what is rightfully theirs and no one else's...
"The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." — 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (ESV)
But how does God look at the act of sex outside of a marriage relationship? Hebrews tells us: "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." - Hebrews 13:4 (ESV)
This just got a lot more serious.
The concept of an open relationship places the act of sexual intercourse at a low moral and physical level. According to God, marriage itself is to be "held in honor", meaning a high and respectable status. When He says, "the marriage bed be undefiled", this places sexual intercourse at the same level of honor! "Undefiled" is a strong word; to make or keep something "undefiled" is to preserve and protect the purity.
It's like a water filter that keeps out harmful crud, so it is safe to drink. The marriage bed, sex, is to be protected between the husband and wife; that which harms or intrudes on the sanctity of the marriage and sexual intimacy is to be kept out!
God places the physical intimacy of marriage at such a high level that anything sexually done outside of the purity of the marriage falls under His judgment. Simply put, God takes this matter very seriously.
But why would He? God didn't just "create" the design for monogamous marriage for kicks.
Marriage and sex within that committed relationship serve the purpose of demonstrating His love for you. Weird thing to say, I know, but bear with me.
There are many illustrations in the Bible that God uses to reveal who He is, and how He loves us. The name that many know Him by, God the Father, is used to reveal how He is a father to those He created in His image.
When Jesus said that He is the "bread of life", He is demonstrating that He is the source of true satisfying eternal life. Marriage, between a man and a woman, and even the closeness of knowing each other through sex, also reveals to us the unity He desires with humanity and the closeness of knowing and enjoying each other.
"And this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." — John 17:3 (ESV)
The phrase "that they know you" refers to a term of intimate, close, deeply personal knowledge of someone you love. It is a word often used to describe the closeness of marriage. God places an extremely high value on His relationship with you, and of course, the one He wants with you. He designed the same value to be experienced between one man and one woman. Though only He can have an equal value given to each person that knows Him, we cannot. An open relationship devalues the most intimate part of the relationship, and desires to divide it among other sexual partners. It devalues what God highly values; His love for you.
An open relationship is ultimately immoral and harmful, emotionally and physically. This is probably the take that most folks may assume God thinks. Well, yes, but not without reason.
Yes, God is the Creator and He is the Judge, He has every right to determine what is right and what is wrong, yet He has your best interest in mind!
"Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body." — 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (ESV)
God sets the record straight: sexual activity outside the marriage covenant is wrong. That seems pretty plain and simple. He calls it immoral, it goes against His created purpose and will. But if our "best interest" is in His mind as well, how?
Here the Bible includes that interesting phrase, "Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body."
It shouldn't surprise anyone, but this is an often-neglected effect of any sexual experience, including an open relationship.
According to Gitnux, STI rates are twice as high, HIV rates are 10% higher, and hepatitis C risk doubled among non-monogamous couples, to name just a few effects.
The hurt against the physical body is bad enough, but what about the emotions? When God created man and woman to be married, He added a wonderful element, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." — Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
"The man and woman become one flesh", the physical, emotional, and spiritual unification that happens with a "soul mate", was especially the delight of God to give to mankind. Without belaboring the point, when that which is so precious on a soul level, the sexual knowing, the intense intimacy, is to be given to total strangers, it becomes an offense to God and a powerful hurt to the inner person.
To reference, once again, why many open relationships end, the emotional and spiritual pain can become too much for one or both partners.
What if you have already crossed that line?
What if you have been hurt, or you have been the cause of someone else's hurt? There is hope.
Consider David, a man in the Bible who committed serious sexual sin, acknowledged his wrongdoing, and sought God's forgiveness. His story reminds us that our failures do not have to be the end of our relationship with God.
As David wrote:
“I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’ and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.” — Psalm 32:5 (ESV)
Jesus offers forgiveness and the opportunity for a new beginning. God's grace does not mean that our choices have no consequences, but it does mean that we can turn to Him in repentance and seek restoration.
As 1 John 1:9 reminds us, when we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Ask yourself:
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Do I desire true freedom?
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Do I desire to repair what is broken?
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Am I willing to seek God's guidance for my relationships?
I encourage you to do the following:
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Reevaluate your understanding of relationships through the lens of God's Word.
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Turn to Jesus for the lasting satisfaction your soul seeks.
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Like David, acknowledge your wrongdoing and seek the Lord's forgiveness.
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Take practical steps toward healing, reconciliation, and renewed faithfulness.
It is never too late to turn to God. His desire is for you to know Him, experience His grace, and pursue the life He has designed for your good.
